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"On second thought I think I'll just forget about looking for that Rolex I lost in the bushes.....I need a drink!"

"Ha! My wife already has those in her purse!"

*A female golfer who is a closeted lesbian thinks to herself* "Perhaps if I tell my husband to go fetch that one I just hit into the bushes, then called security on my cellphone...."
 
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Everyone knows what a *real* Irishman values more than gold!

If leprechauns were an American Indian legend....

[drunken singing]"Somewhere...." *hiccup* "....under the rainbow...." *hiccup* *pause to hurl*[/drunken singing]
 
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*Me at a marketing research panel* "I know of one confused guy off this weird internet bulletin board this might appeal to, but I doubt it would really be a big seller." ([shameless lie]"HELL NO! What makes you think I am a member there? I just came on it by accident."[/shameless lie])

*From an airing of Antique Roadshow* "Antique cereals are not big sellers, it's not worth very much...."

"They're.....well.....AWESOME!" "No, too much like frosted flakes. Try again."
 
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*Nerd in the corner thinks to himself* "Maybe I could score with her, if she'd only move away from those other guys...."

Q: What's wrong with this picture? A: Depends on how you look at it.

*A stud jock type who cant dance thinks foolishly to himself* "Damn I must be turning this bitch on if she's that wet! Time to make my move!"
 
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Fido, having been separated from his mother before he was ready to be weaned was raised by humans, but being only a dog he dropped out of high school, joined a gang and developed a nasty drug habit. Being a hard case he was euthanized for his crimes five days after his arrest. Ironically, after his arrest, drive by bitings decreased in Los Angeles by 100%

*Breaks into song*

"Mama don't let yer puppies grow up to be ganstas...."
 
"I do indeed wish to be the life of the party but I am not entirely certain this is the correct way of wearing a lampshade on one's head."
 
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