Need Advice

[SexyBoo]

I'm sure some of you already have sort of figured out that I have been involved in a relationship that isn't exactly working out as I would have hoped. I could really use some advice.
I've been involved with this man for probably 9 months or so. We started out as friends and had so much in common. It seemed like I was always laughing when I was with him. I fell in love, which was something I had not experienced in probably 10 years. For some reason, I don't seem to fall in love often, but when I do it hits me like a truck. We managed to maintain a laid-back and friendly relationship for the most part, and the sex was the best I have ever experienced in my life! He knows me and more about me than even my very best friends.
There have been a variety of difficulties that I will leave out to protect the guilty, but basically, I am pretty sure that he is going to have to move on, but he does want to continue our friendship.
The problem is, I can't seem to just get over my feelings like I'm sure he would like for me to. When I am with him, I try so hard to smile and pretend that everything is okay, but I really just want to cry and beg him to spend the rest of his life with me. I guess because I so rarely have feelings like these, I really felt that I had finally found the man that I truly belonged with.
I have suggested to him that we need time apart so that I can work through this and a few other things going on in my life. He has agreed, but I am not sure how he really feels about it. He keeps telling me that I never know what will happen between us in the future. I almost wish he wouldn't say those things because I start feeling like I am being strung along.
To be honest, I don't know if he is angry, sad, or just so involved in his own activities that he may not even notice. He sometimes says he loves me, but because of our circumstances, I have the hardest time believing it when I feel down like this. I wish I really knew and understood his feelings and what he is going through so that I could do things right. Even if I can't spend my life with him as a lover/wife, I really don't want to lose him as a friend.
I could really use some advice here. Is distance a good plan for getting over love, or do some of you have other ideas that might work better? I really want to be able to be friends with him and get my life back to happy again.
Please help!

 

[tonksy]

first, a hug for you.

second, i'm so sorry. it's a terrible situation to be in. i think that alot of people have been in it, though, and you will get by. (ooh, good song, touch of grey - the grateful dead, go listen to it, cheer you up, actually- i'll post the lyrics for you in kiddie korner) i wish i could tell you that everything is going to be okay, but it probably isn't, for now, and i can just say that i am here if you need to talk.

 

[AlphaTroll]

SB - this might sound silly, but why don't you just ask him straight what's going on from his side? It beats beating yourself up about it.

If he doesn't feel the same about you as you feel about him there's little you can do it - we can't force people to love us. But it won't be the end of the world and maybe someday you'll see that it was for the best.

 

[SexyBoo]

SB - this might sound silly, but why don't you just ask him straight what's going on from his side? It beats beating yourself up about it.

I did ask him about it earlier today, but he hasn't responded yet. He told me he loved me about a week ago, and really, he doesn't seem like the type to just throw that around without some meaning. The timing and circumstances just stink, unfortunately. I hope he will give me an answer sometime today.

first, a hug for you.

Thanks for the advice and hugs.

 

[PT]

I'm with Alpha, be completely honest with him, hell, pull this page up and let him read it. Then, take it from there, at least then you'll know where it stands. It sucks being in limbo.

 

[Luis G]

There have been a variety of difficulties that I will leave out to protect the guilty, but basically, I am pretty sure that he is going to have to move on, but he does want to continue our friendship.

You can always try to solve those difficulties, remember, a good relationship is not one without problems but one that can solve them.

 

[SexyBoo]

I'm with Alpha, be completely honest with him, hell, pull this page up and let him read it. Then, take it from there, at least then you'll know where it stands. It sucks being in limbo.

Thanks PT! I actually have a feeling he will see this thread, if he has not already seen it today. He posts on OTC at least every few days or so. We'll see what comes of it. I just hope he doesn't get angry with me for posting here. I just wanted some objective advice - friends right next to the situation sometimes are not really able to honestly tell you what you should do....

His response to my earlier questioning was that my feelings were what was at issue here and that he was okay with whatever I decide. It still doesn't really help me, but it looks like the distance thing won't hurt our friendship in his opinion. That was my biggest concern (well, that plus figuring out how to go back to "just friends").

 

[paul_valaru]

I've been there, it's teh worst feeling ever, I have no good advice to give, cause I handled it all wrong

But I wish you well

 

[SexyBoo]

It is kind of strange. Just making the decision to not hang out as much and him being accepting and concerned for my feelings is helping me feel better. Maybe this won't be as bad as I was thinking.

I still would love any advice on other ways to handle this!

 

[AnomalousEntity]

It is kind of strange. Just making the decision to not hang out as much and him being accepting and concerned for my feelings is helping me feel better. Maybe this won't be as bad as I was thinking.

I still would love any advice on other ways to handle this!

Oh come on, your one of the coolest people I have ever hung out with! Of course I love you. I want us to always be friends and who knows what might happen some day when timing and circumstances change?

Well I know that sucks but its no bed of roses from my end either. Im still not going to throw away our friendship just because I circumstances are against us being together in somthing more committal/involving though.

Been there done that and thats not the best way to handle these rocky events....

 

[Acid]

ROFL @ PAUL

I think most men do the wrong thing.

Just out of curiousity, how was his history with women. Does he move around a lot, or does he look and settle down for a while?

It's nothing against you, it's just how some people are, as illogical as it sounds.

 

[AnomalousEntity]

ROFL @ PAUL

I think most men do the wrong thing.

Just out of curiousity, how was his history with women. Does he move around a lot, or does he look and settle down for a while?

It's nothing against you, it's just how some people are, as illogical as it sounds.

Oh wait let me answer that for you.

First Love: Never got over.
Second relationship: 2 years in high school got engaged she broke it off when we went to college (what the hell was I thinking) She called me back towards the end of college (like I was going to drop everything and go back to her or somthing...laugh).
Third relationship: GF in college...I really liked her. She dropped me after six months because we "werent going anywhere". She showed up later that summer and I blew her off.
Fouth Relationship: 2.5 years in college. Got engaged. here is where things got hairy. My first love from high school just friggen SHOWED UP at that school. She wastn even supposed to be at that school. After thinking I was hallucinating from thinking I saw her for 2 months (I always though I saw here every where I went anyway right). I pulled out the student directory and there she was... We talked one night allnight long. I spilled out all of my fricken feelings about what a pathetic looser I was still having feelings for her and finally...she admitted to me that she felt the same way towards me... but we were both seeing other people and alas...we never got together. I broke it off with the girl I was presently engaged to about a month later.
Post College: Dated a girl for 7 years. We got married, she cheated and lied to me..I dumped her. She was frigging awesome too. I loved her too damm much so that is why it hurt me so much that she cheated and I just couldnt handle it and I couldnt even bare to look at her. I think if I had loved her less..we would have stayed together (as crazy as that sounds).
Next relationship: Dated 3 years..got married..big mistake big big mistake so far....

And from the "so far" above, you now know what the circumstances that keep me from sexy boo are.

Right now Im confused and playing "wait and see" on everything.

Ive buried myself in activites and work and not thinking about anything right now.

Ok..did that answer your question???

 

[tonksy]

hey, ae. not everyone knows that sexyboo is talking about you. don't bite acids head off.

 

[PT]

Hmmm. AE, ever see a counselor about any of this? Think maybe you should?

 

[paul_valaru]

hey, ae. not everyone knows that sexyboo is talking about you. don't bite acids head off.

biting off head? where?

 

[paul_valaru]

ROFL @ PAUL

I think most men do the wrong thing.

no, i was bad, everytinme we talked I ended up trying to win her back, I saw I side of myself I didn't like.

In the end, I decided it would be better that i not talk too her at all.

before I became one of those people who think a restraining order is a way of say ing I love you

 

[tonksy]

one of those people who think a restraining order is a way of say ing I love you

ooh, i had one of those. bastard that broke my ear.

 

[paul_valaru]

ooh, i had one of those. bastard that broke my ear.

that is whay I backed off, and avoid her, or I become what I most hate

 

[tonksy]

that is whay I backed off, and avoid her, or I become what I most hate

smart move.

 

[AlphaTroll]

SB - seems to me that he's hurting just as much as you are about it. Thing is, with the circumstances he mentioned it is near impossible to just drop everything & start fresh with you. At the moment, he can offer friendship (a very special friendship it would look), so don't be too sad about it - sometimes having great friends who love you is worth more than a relationship with someone who cannot give their all (even if they really want to). And it would seem to me that he might need some support & understanding from you - as a friend.

AE - I think you are doing the right thing (SB, I know it hurts) - rather make a clean break from your current situation, than complicate it more with feelings (and a relationship) with another person. But, if the lines of your friendship are gonna become muddled, maybe you guys should take a breather, stay away from each other until you are 100% ready to commit to something (be it friendship, love or just being acquintances). I'd never encourage or approve of adultery, but I can sort of understand what might drive people to do it, which is why I suggest that you get all your ducks in a row before moving off to a new pond.

Hope it (whatever it may be) works out for you guys.