Mixed emotions

[[b]]

My first thought was that there had been a shooting at the mall by my apartment. Or maybe even a bank robbery. Whatever it was it was big news.

Just the day before, my photography teacher and I were talking about what we were allowed and not allowed to take pictures of. We also discussed what to do in situations controlled by the police.

So, as I turn on the road to my apartment I can see that the cop cars are on converging on the spot of the area's largest arcade. At this point I am pretty excited. Whatever is happening, I am going to be the first one there and I am going to document it.

I park, jump out of my car, and start snapping pictures. I get pictures of an ambulance coming in and then leaving, lights on, siren off. I get cops directing traffic, huddled in groups talking, and a dozen police cars with lights flashing...and the whole time I am still excited.

I venture in as close as I can. The cops, while shooing other people away, seem to be ignoring me. I feel like an honest to goodness photojournalist, and, as I'm leaving, I see the staff photographer and reporter for our local paper just arriving. I am proud that I have shots they will never get a chance too. I scooped them even if the scoop was just for me.

When I return home I excitedly tell my roommates what transpired and cannot wait to get the film developed to see if my pictures came out.

I found out that last night, a police officer was killed while investigating a home invasion robbery. His assailant ambushed him, he never had a chance to defend himself. He was shot three times in his vest and once in the back of his head.

The scene I arrived at was where, after being pursued at high speed, the suspect, a recently released convict, had been shot at by police officers. He surrendered and was not wounded.

I have mixed feelings about all of this. On one hand, I am very excited about the pictures I took. I was there and I did what photographers are supposed to do. I documented the scene. I took pictures of what was happening. I photographed the faces of those around me, onlookers who did not know what was going on but were just as curious as I was.

People turned to me and asked if I knew what was going on, simply because I had a camera and was out there taking pictures.

Pictures I have not developed yet.

You see, I feel slightly guilty. Last night I felt important, I was excited, I was doing what I have wanted to do almost my whole life. But it was at the expense of one man's life and another man's freedom.

I did not cause, nor want, either of these events to happen. I made myself a bystander and by taking those pictures, made myself a part of the night's activities.

I am sorry you were killed last night Sgt. Green. Thank you for protecting the lives of the women in that home. May someone protect your family with that same sense of duty and same selfless act of sacrifice.

You touched so many lives that night. You brought home many things for me that I never truly understood before. You have also helped me to understand that the excitement is a part of job, and that the job is what is important. Your sacrifice has helped me take one more step down my life's path and I appreciate that.

 

[Gonz]

Touching. Now, if you want ot be a photo-journalist, with the scoop you had, develop & sell them. Your job is to tell a story. Can they be used for that? It's a violoent job you're getting into. Are you prepared?

 

[Bubba]

I am sorry you were killed last night Sgt. Green. Thank you for protecting the lives of the women in that home. May someone protect your family with that same sense of duty and same selfless act of sacrifice.

You touched so many lives that night. You brought home many things for me that I never truly understood before. You have also helped me to understand that the excitement is a part of job, and that the job is what is important. Your sacrifice has helped me take one more step down my life's path and I appreciate that.

Am I to understand you are thanking a cop for dying so that you can build a career for yourself? Dude, your thinking is seriously fucked up in that statement.

One thing you are going to find as a journalist if you are going to be any good at it is that people are going to rip your words to shreds just like I did. You have be very careful. I have become aware of just how difficult it is to communicate, myself. Being human and imperfect really sucks sometimes.

 

[[b]]

Am I to understand you are thanking a cop for dying so that you can build a career for yourself? Dude, your thinking is seriously fucked up in that statement.

I said life's path, not career path. I thought you guys knew me better than that.

And thanks for proving people can be dicks.

 

[Bubba]

]

Am I to understand you are thanking a cop for dying so that you can build a career for yourself? Dude, your thinking is seriously fucked up in that statement.

I said life's path, not career path. I thought you guys knew me better than that.

And thanks for proving people can be dicks.

Life's path and career path often go hand and hand. What you do in one shapes what goes on in the other.

You really need to distinguish that you are not talking about your career because there are people going to be reading your words that do not know you at all. My suggestion is to talk about how the experience affected you emotionally in more detail and how it shaped your thinking.

Simply saying that it helped you take one more step in life's path does not sound all that great when you start thinking about it. That guy probably had a family. Do you think they want some reporter saying the loss of their loved one helped them take a step in life? Take a step in life how? Talk about that step and what it means to you. A step can be in a good direction or in a bad one. Just what kind of step? That leaves a lot of unanswered things to consider when you just say it helped you take a step.

Furthermore, the whole issue takes the focus away from the man who died. The story is about him and not about you.

 

[greenfreak]

wtg bubba, kick em while he's down. I know you like the attention you get when people are mean to you but not everyone is like that.

, Gonz asks a good question--are you ready for it? It seems to me that photojournalism requires a specific mindset and need for you to turn off your feelings in the interest of getting the job done. Since so much of what's considered 'newsworthy' these days is death and destruction, could you deal with recording that every day with your camera? You have time to figure that out, I think.

 

[HomeLAN]

I did not cause, nor want, either of these events to happen.

As long as that remains the case, your ethics and humanity are intact. Be aware, however, that not all of your readers will be in the same position, and that gore sells.

Bubba, please take a moment to correct your cranial-rectal inversion problem.

 

[Bubba]

I wasn't doing that to be mean. I just wanted him to know that journalism can be a nasty business. They serve a valuable purpose of keeping the public informed. At the same time there is a balancing act to be sensitive to victims of crimes. I just wanted him to see that not everyone that he writes to his going to be his friend or even like him. Personally, I was not offended by his words but I think he could of added a line saying that his heart goes out to those who knew the guy if he is going to talk about how it affected him.

 

[greenfreak]

I am sorry you were killed last night Sgt. Green. Thank you for protecting the lives of the women in that home. May someone protect your family with that same sense of duty and same selfless act of sacrifice.

I could be wrong but that looks like sentiment on behalf of the deceased to me.

 

[Bubba]

The point that I am driving at is that professional reporters usually do not involve their own feelings about a story like this unless they are doing commentary like on Moneyline or something like that. Most stories are reported on without the reporter ever talking about their own feelings.

In addition, I am saying that injecting his own feelings detracts from the real story.

 

[HomeLAN]

Sure they do. They just do it off the record. Like b is doing here.

 

[HeXp£Øi±]

It's good to hear that you have that guilt and that you're not ignoring it. Guilt is there for a reason. Whether god given or evolved, conscience exists for a reason. So do photojournalists. This is something i haven't given much thought to but i would encourage you to continue to weigh the matter carefully in your own mind. Try to find why that guilt is there. What is your job as a photojournalist. Is it to get the story out so that people may know the truth? Is it to get the story at any cost that you might make a name for yourself? The guilt imo can mean different things depending on your motives.
I think of the journalist who is the first on the the scene where a mans house just burned down and the journalist asks the homeowner who just lost his family, "how do you feel"?
This type of moronic questioning imo stems from journalists pushing that guilt aside for so many years and becoming totally oblivious to the situation. My advice would be simply to not come to any conclusions to quickly. Even as a photojounalist you are still a part of the human race.

 

[Bubba]

Sure they do. They just do it off the record. Like b is doing here.

Oh, I thought that was what he was going to use on the record.

In that case, I wouldn't have given him such a bad time. I actually was trying to help, believe it or not. I have nothing against and would very much like to see him do well in his chosen career.

 

[[b]]

Furthermore, the whole issue takes the focus away from the man who died. The story is about him and not about you.

Actually Bubba, this story is about me, not Sgt. Green. It is told from my point of view and about my experiences that day. Had the story been about Sgt. Green, it would of sounded more like:

"Every morning when Sgt. Green gets out of bed and puts on his crisp blue uniform he knows that day could be his last. When he kisses his wife goodbye and sees his children off to school, he knows this could be the last time he ever sees them.

What Sgt. Green didn't know was that today was that day.

Every afternoon as Sgt. Green patrols the city streets he's aware that the next call could put him in mortal danger.

What Sgt. Green wasn't aware of was that his next call was that call.

As Sgt. Green approached the home where two frightened ladies where in fear for their lives, he prepared himself with all the knowledge thirteen years of experience on the force and the special training he received had given him.

What Sgt. Green couldn't prepare for was the killer waiting in the bushes, ready to ambush it's prey and strike with deadly accuracy.

Even with his training and protective vest, nothing could stop the bullet that entered the back of his head and brought his life to an end.

After a high speed pursuit and several more shots fired into the night, Sgt. Green's attacker was caught and will brought to justice. But tomorrow no one will put on his crisp blue uniform.

Nobody will kiss his wife goodbye and send his children off to school. And one less officer will be out there, patrolling our streets, willing to give his life in order to protect ours."

You really need to distinguish that you are not talking about your career because there are people going to be reading your words that do not know you at all. My suggestion is to talk about how the experience affected you emotionally in more detail and how it shaped your thinking.

Maybe so, but this wasn't meant for print. It was just meant as a way for me to share something that touched my life with some people on a bulletin board. I wasn't going for the Pulitzer. And besides, if I'm not mistaken, most of this stuff would go through an editing process before it went out. If something wasn't clear, hopefully I'd have a chance to correct or add to it before it went to press.

Gonz asks a good question--are you ready for it? It seems to me that photojournalism requires a specific mindset and need for you to turn off your feelings in the interest of getting the job done. Since so much of what's considered 'newsworthy' these days is death and destruction, could you deal with recording that every day with your camera? You have time to figure that out, I think.

The point of what I was attempting to get across is that I did have feelings of guilt, but that by the end of the story I had understood why I had those feelings and dealt with them.

The point that I am driving at is that professional reporters usually do not involve their own feelings about a story like this unless they are doing commentary like on Moneyline or something like that. Most stories are reported on without the reporter ever talking about their own feelings.

In addition, I am saying that injecting his own feelings detracts from the real story.

It's great that most stories are told without the reporter getting emotionally involved. That can help keep the story unbiased and fair. To me, that's what a reporter is.

But for a journalist, and even more so for a photojournalist, I feel that emotion is what drives, is what makes it worth doing. Any time I read about a photojournalist taking pictures of a war torn country, they almost always say the same thing, "I wanted to bring this home so that people could see what it's really like down here."

Telling your readers that 25 children were killed is a fact. That's reporting.

Telling them how you felt when you saw them, the stench of the bodies, the sound of the flies buzzing, how each and every time you see one of these massacres you want to wretch, that's being a journalist.

Telling your readers that a mom in Iowa gave birth to triplets is a fact. That's reporting.

Telling them how much the mom struggled with the birth, how the father held her hand in a tight embrace and coached her through the birth, how the doctor's and nurses preformed their chaotic yet organized dance around the birthing room, and how, with all three babies in her arms the mother cried tears of joy and how you felt to be present at such an awesome moment. That's being a journalist.

I'm not out there to take a picture and tell you what's in it. You can see for yourself. I'm in this for the story. I'm in this for the experiences I'll have while doing it. Because once I'm there, once I take the pictures, it's no longer somebody else's life. I'm a part of it too.

I felt guilt because I realized that had I the chance to sell these pictures that I would make money off of the death of a fellow human. That saddens me. But on the same note, the money is what allows me to do what it is that I want to do. The money allows me to bring the public those things, good and bad, that happen in the world around us, as I see them.

I'm not in it for the fame or money. I'm in it because it's something that does need to be done. And if I can take one picture or write one story that will make the world a bit brighter for someone, or cause enough outrage to right an injustice, then I'll have done my job.

 

[Bubba]

I wish you the best of luck in your chosen field!

 

[[b]]

Thank you.

And I do appreciate your comments. I do wish you had a bit more tactfull at the begining, but as you state, there are people out there who will rip it to shreds and won't care if I like the way they did it or not.

 

[Bubba]

Yeah, I wish that I hadn't come on like a jerk, but I watch a lot of news on tv. I see how people are in the world. I was really trying to help. If you ever watch some of those cable channels other than CNN, they get pretty ugly in their commenting sometimes. I think the Fox news channel is one that I am thinking of. There is a woman from Court TV that sometimes is on CNN. She is really nasty to people at times and really has a rude personality.

One time, I heard something really corny on "Leave it to Beaver". They were talking about assholes and someone asked Ward Cleaver how you can beat people like that that are assholes. Ward responded by saying something like "the only way you can beat is not becoming like them". Sure, it might be an old show. I was thinking to myself of how true what he said is.

 

[Q]

Bubba, you should have paid more attention to Ward.

, if your photos are anything like your writing I'm sure they are thought provoking and honest. I think you have chosen a career that you are uniquely and extremely well suited for.

 

[Bubba]

Thanks Q.

 

[[b]]

, if your photos are anything like your writing I'm sure they are thought provoking and honest. I think you have chosen a career that you are uniquely and extremely well suited for.

Thanks