Bad Joke thread.
- Thread starter Cleveland
- Start date
Guy and a girl where driving down the road in a Ferrari. Girl asks if it can go faster, Guy gives BS about weight distribution, and aerodynamics. But says maybe if it where lighter. They can find nothing to throw from the car, except clothes.... so OUT they go.... still no faster.. Guy says car is made for the weight to be on driver side only, and she needs to climb into his lap.......
Long story short, they get into "IT". He's driving fast (in more ways than one)... wrecks the car...
She is thrown free, he is pinned in car, car is on fire...
He says, "Get help!!"
She says she can't she's naked. The only thing he can find is a shoe. He throws it to her, she covers her private as best she can, and runs to the nearest farmhouse. She runs to the farmer, who happens to be on the front porch and says, "Help me, my boyfriends stuck!"
Farmer says " Lady, if he's in that far, I can’t help you know."
Long story short, they get into "IT". He's driving fast (in more ways than one)... wrecks the car...
She is thrown free, he is pinned in car, car is on fire...
He says, "Get help!!"
She says she can't she's naked. The only thing he can find is a shoe. He throws it to her, she covers her private as best she can, and runs to the nearest farmhouse. She runs to the farmer, who happens to be on the front porch and says, "Help me, my boyfriends stuck!"
Farmer says " Lady, if he's in that far, I can’t help you know."
greenfreak
New Member
I'm too lazy to type out the whole thing... Does everyone know the brick joke?
Top ten things you'll never hear a woman say
10. You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.
9. That girl's wearing the same outfit I am! Cool! I'm gonna go over and talk to her!
8. I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.
7. You're way smarter than my father.
6. Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" all the time -- then you won't have to mess with it anymore.
5. I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want'em?
4. Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!
3. My mom's going to take care of the tab -- order another round for you and your friends.
2. While you were in the bathroom? They went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.
...and the number one thing you'll never hear a woman say...
Oh no...not the mall again! Why don't we go over to Home Depot instead?
10. You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.
9. That girl's wearing the same outfit I am! Cool! I'm gonna go over and talk to her!
8. I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.
7. You're way smarter than my father.
6. Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" all the time -- then you won't have to mess with it anymore.
5. I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want'em?
4. Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!
3. My mom's going to take care of the tab -- order another round for you and your friends.
2. While you were in the bathroom? They went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.
...and the number one thing you'll never hear a woman say...
Oh no...not the mall again! Why don't we go over to Home Depot instead?
Brain-Dead Headlines
From the Notebook pages of The New Republic magazine, a collection of some of the world's worst newspaper headlines.
Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link
Cornell Daily Sun
Whatever Their Motives, Moms Who Kill Kids Still Shock Us
Holland Sentinel
Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut
The New York Times
Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find
The Los Angeles Times
'Light meals are lower in fat, calories
Huntington Herald-Dispatch
Alcohol ads promote drinking
The Hartford Courant
Malls try to attract shoppers
The Baltimore Sun
Official: Only rain will cure drought
The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men
The Sunday Oregonian
Low Wages Said Key to Poverty
Newsday
Man shoots neighbor with machete
The Miami Herald
Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes
The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia
Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows
The New York Times
Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies
The Los Angeles Times
Scientists see quakes in L.A. future
The Oregonian
Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning
The Buffalo News, February 26
Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold
Lexington Herald-Leader
Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer
Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel
Economist uses theory to explain economy
Collinsville Herald-Journal
Bible church's focus is the Bible
Saint Augustine Record
Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons
Cedar Rapids Gazette
Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity
The Chicago Tribune
Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear
Journal of Commerce
Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person
The Daily Gazette, Schenectady, New York
Lack of brains hinders research
The Columbus Dispatch
How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart
Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera
Fish lurk in streams
Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle
From the Notebook pages of The New Republic magazine, a collection of some of the world's worst newspaper headlines.
Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link
Cornell Daily Sun
Whatever Their Motives, Moms Who Kill Kids Still Shock Us
Holland Sentinel
Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut
The New York Times
Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find
The Los Angeles Times
'Light meals are lower in fat, calories
Huntington Herald-Dispatch
Alcohol ads promote drinking
The Hartford Courant
Malls try to attract shoppers
The Baltimore Sun
Official: Only rain will cure drought
The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men
The Sunday Oregonian
Low Wages Said Key to Poverty
Newsday
Man shoots neighbor with machete
The Miami Herald
Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes
The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia
Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows
The New York Times
Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies
The Los Angeles Times
Scientists see quakes in L.A. future
The Oregonian
Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning
The Buffalo News, February 26
Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold
Lexington Herald-Leader
Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer
Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel
Economist uses theory to explain economy
Collinsville Herald-Journal
Bible church's focus is the Bible
Saint Augustine Record
Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons
Cedar Rapids Gazette
Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity
The Chicago Tribune
Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear
Journal of Commerce
Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person
The Daily Gazette, Schenectady, New York
Lack of brains hinders research
The Columbus Dispatch
How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart
Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera
Fish lurk in streams
Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle
A woman was very distraught at the fact she had not
had a date or any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid she might have
something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise
of a sex
therapist. Her doctor recommended she go see Dr. Chang, the well known
Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all
you
crose." The woman did as she was told." "Now, get down and craw reery
reery
fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me." So she
did.
Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad, you
haf Ed
Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or
dates."
Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary
Disease?"
Dr. Chang look the woman in the eyes and replied, "Ed Zachary disease is
when
your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
had a date or any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid she might have
something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise
of a sex
therapist. Her doctor recommended she go see Dr. Chang, the well known
Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all
you
crose." The woman did as she was told." "Now, get down and craw reery
reery
fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me." So she
did.
Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad, you
haf Ed
Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or
dates."
Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary
Disease?"
Dr. Chang look the woman in the eyes and replied, "Ed Zachary disease is
when
your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
Old one...
If AOL Made Cars...
Submitted by Don from Mebane
1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.
6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors and lights.
8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."
If AOL Made Cars...
Submitted by Don from Mebane
1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.
6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors and lights.
8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."
Mad Max - More Rules For Women
Number 10: you can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. you can't do both. Pick one.
Number nine 9: if you wear a Wonderbra...don't complain when we stare at your boobs.
Number 8: peeing standing up is a lot harder than sitting down. we're bound to miss every once in a while
Number 7: those "thin" clothes you're hanging onto in the closet? No offense, but you're never gonna be able to wear them again. Might as well give 'em to Goodwill.
Number 6: just so you know...men don't have any "feelings" to talk about.
Number 5: don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
Number 4: if you want us to do something...you have to ask 3 times. The first time we didn't hear you -- and the second time we didn't think you were serious.
Number 3: Columbus didn't stop to ask for directions...and he turned out pretty good.
Number 2: if we say something that you can take two ways...and one of 'em makes you mad...we meant the other one.
...and the number one thing for women to know about men...
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
Number 10: you can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. you can't do both. Pick one.
Number nine 9: if you wear a Wonderbra...don't complain when we stare at your boobs.
Number 8: peeing standing up is a lot harder than sitting down. we're bound to miss every once in a while
Number 7: those "thin" clothes you're hanging onto in the closet? No offense, but you're never gonna be able to wear them again. Might as well give 'em to Goodwill.
Number 6: just so you know...men don't have any "feelings" to talk about.
Number 5: don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
Number 4: if you want us to do something...you have to ask 3 times. The first time we didn't hear you -- and the second time we didn't think you were serious.
Number 3: Columbus didn't stop to ask for directions...and he turned out pretty good.
Number 2: if we say something that you can take two ways...and one of 'em makes you mad...we meant the other one.
...and the number one thing for women to know about men...
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
A guy and his wife are out golfing one day when they come up to the hardest hole on the course; it goes way downhill and you can’t quite see where your drive goes. So they tee off and walk down the hill and, lo and behold, this guy’s ball is right in front of a big barn.
The couple looks it over, and the wife says, “You know, if we open both barn doors, you will have a clear shot to the green.”
The guy agrees, and they open both of the doors. He hits his ball and it makes it through the first set of doors but hits the far wall and comes ricocheting back—hitting his wife in the head and killing her.
A few months pass and he is out golfing again with his buddies. They come up to the same hole and, wouldn’t you know it, the guy’s ball is right behind the barn again. One of his golf buddies says, “You know, if we open both barn doors you will have a clear shot to the green.”
The guy replies, “Nah, last time I tried that I got a 7.”
The couple looks it over, and the wife says, “You know, if we open both barn doors, you will have a clear shot to the green.”
The guy agrees, and they open both of the doors. He hits his ball and it makes it through the first set of doors but hits the far wall and comes ricocheting back—hitting his wife in the head and killing her.
A few months pass and he is out golfing again with his buddies. They come up to the same hole and, wouldn’t you know it, the guy’s ball is right behind the barn again. One of his golf buddies says, “You know, if we open both barn doors you will have a clear shot to the green.”
The guy replies, “Nah, last time I tried that I got a 7.”
A woman is walking through her neighborhood on the hottest day of the year when she sees a man sitting on his front porch in the shade while his wife is mowing the grass. "Shouldn't you be doing that instead of your wife?" the woman asked.
"On a day like today?" the man answered. "Besides, it's her turn."
"You should be hung for that," the woman said angrily.
"I am," the man said. "Why do you think she's not complaining about mowing the yard?"
"On a day like today?" the man answered. "Besides, it's her turn."
"You should be hung for that," the woman said angrily.
"I am," the man said. "Why do you think she's not complaining about mowing the yard?"