Cheating

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greenfreak

New Member
Years ago a friend of mine confided in me that he had cheated on his wife and was considering doing it again. He had a fuck-buddy that would call him occasionally for a "get-together". His wife had just given birth to their first child a few months prior and apparently, there wasn't much going on in the bedroom.

He told me because he wanted me to lecture him about all the reasons what he was doing was wrong. He said he wasn't able to "stop himself" so maybe I could put it in perspective for him.

He and I lost touch over the years but I was just told not 20 minutes ago that someone else I know cheated on their spouse. Someone I know very well, much better than this friend from years ago.

My question is not have you ever cheated. My question is, if someone else has told you that they cheated and if that changed your opinion of them?What if it was someone very close do you like a best friend or a family member?

Also, have you ever been in a position where you felt obligated to tell the person who was being cheated on? Ultimately, what did you do?
 
I've never done it, and never had anyone tell me about their experiences doing it, but I'd have to think it would color my opinions. It's all about personal integrity and honor. If you make that kind of promise and break it on the sly, you've sacrificed both integrity and honor, and you definitely would become less of a person in my eyes.

You wanna get some strange? Do it right and get the divorce first.
 
greenfreak said:
My question is not have you ever cheated. My question is, if someone else has told you that they cheated and if that changed your opinion of them?What if it was someone very close do you like a best friend or a family member?

Also, have you ever been in a position where you felt obligated to tell the person who was being cheated on? Ultimately, what did you do?
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I look at it this way. If you can't keep a vow to the person you live with, and share your life with, then why would you share a promise with me? Doesn't matter if it's a friend or a family member...they can no longer be trusted. I know how cruel I sound, but I've lived through that before, and still have issues with trust from time-to-time.
 
3 for 3.

I'd tell the spouse, in a heartbeat. (S)he has the right to know the truth. What (s)he does with it (typically nothing) is up to her/him. I'd also no longer value squat from the cheater.
 
greenfreak said:
My question is not have you ever cheated. My question is, if someone else has told you that they cheated and if that changed your opinion of them?What if it was someone very close do you like a best friend or a family member?

Also, have you ever been in a position where you felt obligated to tell the person who was being cheated on? Ultimately, what did you do?
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I'm the greatest of justifiers, so not always has it coloured what I think permanently. But yes, it does definitely change my opinion, change my level of trust, and I don't think it has mattered - friend, acquaintance or family, not to me anyway.

On the other question, while I generally wish I'd been told years before I was, by any one of the many who knew, I also have to admit I'd likely have not believed it anyway.

I recently found out something about someone else's relationship I'm struggling with. I know a detail she doesn't know. It's a pretty big one, but since they're over and done with, so it should do no harm, but she's not quite "over it", so maybe it would. I don't know what to do with it. I feel it'd set her back.

Having been on the other side, I don't still know what the best thing to do is. I guess...tell the other party and be ready for the rift in your friendship it'd maybe cause. People aren't rational in that situation, and kill the messenger is as likely as not.
 
Leslie said:
I recently found out something about someone else's relationship I'm struggling with. I know a detail she doesn't know. It's a pretty big one, but since they're over and done with, so it should do no harm, but she's not quite "over it", so maybe it would. I don't know what to do with it. I feel it'd set her back.
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I think you should tell her. The fact that it's over and done with should make the news easier. If she's not "over it" this might just do it. She might not be set back, but by knowing, it might help her move on or something.


As to the posts, if someone told me they cheated, i doubt they'd be a friend of mine any longer, and I would probably tell their significant other. It's up to the person whether they believe me.
 
It would change my opinion of the guilty party.

I would not tell the spouse. It ain't my place.

I would not want to be told.

I would not want to be my spouse when I found out either.
 
Well this is an all time new first?

Everyone agrees that adulterers are scum?

yep they is uh huh
 
SouthernN'Proud said:
I would not tell the spouse.
I would not want to be told.
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Same question, either direction...Especially in the day of HIV/AIDS, is there any particular motive behind this thinking? Even without considering diseases, you don't think it's better to allow someone an informed choice?
 
Gonz said:
Same question, either direction...Especially in the day of HIV/AIDS, is there any particular motive behind this thinking? Even without considering diseases, you don't think it's better to allow someone an informed choice?
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I have to agree there. I think the disease factor in itself is a good reason. People aren't careful at times,or they don't know they have it, and end up giving it to others. There's a death sentence right there.

Personally, I'd want to know. Whether I would believe it or not at first, I'm not sure, but at least I can look for the signs and such and try to find out on my own.
 
Thanks everyone, I wanted your opinions before I said my own so as to not affect the responses.

Prof as usual, you and I are in agreement. I stopped being friends with him after that day and I've never looked back.

Yes, it absolutely has worsened my opinion of this (new) person. It happened many many years ago and I'm just finding out now. The spouse of the cheater is the kind of person that would not leave; for their own sake and for the kids. The spouse might even know already; I'm not sure.

It's just never happened with someone so close to me. It's was easier with the other friend, it wasn't that hard of a decision. But I'll never be able to look at this person again without knowing. Rusty thinks I should leave their business to them too SNP. That, of course, is the easiest decision because it requires nothing of me. I've just been on the receiving end too and it really sucked, I would have wanted to be told.

Anyway, thanks. :)
 
Time has taught me, now I think very different when compared with that old 'cheat' thread.

If someone came to me and told me he/she is cheating I would tell him to either: be honest with his/her couple, or to just cut it lose. No point in having a relationship if all you care about is fooling around.

I wouldn't tell the cheated one thou, that's none of my business.

And yes, I've been in that position and I told her she was being cheated on. Actually, I've been in that position twice.
 
Leslie said:
:hmm:
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I think I should re-word the last sentence. I meant that I've been in the situation where I felt obligated to tell the person that was being cheated on. What did I do ? I told the girls.
 
my best friend cheated on his wife. we are still best friends. i didnt feel it was necessary to toss away 25 years of friendship over something that was something i couldnt have prevented, didnt impact me, and was, frankly, none of my business.
if he had told me he was thinking of it, i would have done my best to pursuade him not to. if his wife was unaware of it when he told me, i would not have said anything to her.
 
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