View Full Version : More jokes!
Justintime
4/17/02, 08:44pm
:cool:
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Justintime
4/17/02, 08:44pm
:D
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Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my
left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour
with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway
over in my lane, still working on that damn makeup!!! It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my
other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using
my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my
ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim
and the Twins, ruined the damn phone......and disconnected an important
call.
DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Justintime
4/17/02, 08:47pm
:D :D
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Justintime
4/17/02, 08:54pm
Drugs and thier Side Effects
ECSTASY
How you think you behave: Like the beautiful, caring, wonderful person you really are.
How you actually behave: Like the creepy kid at school who always sucked up to the teacher. Those revolting sweaty hugs you inflict upon anyone you meet are disgusting and will probably get you beaten. Likelihood of getting laid: 30%. Sex is not important. It's all about the "vibe".
How you feel in the morning: Like you should have gone for the sex.
Embarrassment rating: 60% Ecstasy makes you say nice things to people that you don't like. Isn't that a bitch? This can be very embarrassing, particularly if people believe what you say. Be careful who you give your phone number to. They just might call.
MARIJUANA
How you think you behave: You're not sure, but you think people could be laughing at you.
How you actually behave: Like someone just hit you over the head with an 800KG fridge freezer combination. Likelihood of getting laid: 60%. If you spend enough time on the couch, anything can happen. Or at least you can believe it can happen.
How you feel in the morning: Like another joint. And the rest of that Chinese Buffet.
Embarrassment rating: 10% You are moving so slowly that it's almost impossible to do anything stupid.
ALCOHOL
How you think you behave: Like the life of the party. You are sexy, funny and everybody likes you.
How you actually behave: Like the death of the party. Your behavior gets progressively worse as you tell more and more crass jokes, insult the bartender, spill your drink and make a pass at your best friend's date. The likely hood of you spilling your cookies or pissing your pants increases with each drink.
Likelihood of getting laid: 90% Your sexual standards drop dramatically with each consecutive drink. If surrounded by others whose standards are also lowered, then your chances are pretty good.
How you feel in the morning: Who did I insult? Where is my car? Why did I sleep with someone from the office? I've never felt this bad before. This is absolutely the last time.
Embarrassment rating: 110% Not only are you stupid, you are sloppy. Everyone recognizes this, except you.
COCAINE
How you think you behave: You are smart, irresistible and want to "do lunch" with everyone.
How you actually behave: Like an annoying know-it-all who would sell his soul for the next line of blow. <sniffle> Likelihood of getting laid: 80% It may be a Jedi Mind Trick, but when you sincerely believe you are so irresistible, some clueless and insecure type may actually fall for it.
How you feel in the morning: Like the apeman. Embarrassment rating: 0% if there's more coke in the drawer. 90% if there isn't.
ACID or SHROOMS
How you think you behave: You are not behaving, but the world around you is putting on a good show.
How you actually behave: In reality, it is you putting on the show. The rest of the world is behaving the same as ever.
Likelihood of getting laid: 20% Even if you actually manage to get through the process of selecting a mate, removing your clothes and choosing a sexual position, you will then have to deal with the challenge of your partner changing into a furry animal/the devil/your mother. You may break your dick (or his) as the likelyhood of you realizing that your skivvies are off is Zero.
How you feel in the morning: Either you are climbing the walls wishing that God would put an end to your suffering, or you finally understand Chaucer's "The Norton Anthology."
Embarrassment rating: 0% You either sat on the couch and laughed at the TV all night even if it was turned off). Or you climbed onto a building, tried to fly and died.
lol I guess you're done! :D I like the one with the remote :)
Justintime
4/17/02, 09:07pm
Ah wha yo say? me caan done eva!! :D:D:D:D:D
Justintime
4/17/02, 09:15pm
http://www.mplwebdesign.co.uk/smilies/rasta.gif
Justintime
4/17/02, 09:23pm
ma brotha man :D
Justintime
4/17/02, 09:54pm
i'll ask :D
Well? where's the tapping foot impatiently smilie when you need it?[/siz]
Justintime
4/17/02, 10:04pm
:D
http://members.ozemail.com.au/~bink/Dude/cardiaccenter.jpg
http://members.ozemail.com.au/~bink/Dude/comic-5.jpg
http://members.ozemail.com.au/~bink/Dude/decoy.jpg
http://members.ozemail.com.au/~bink/Dude/FUNNY1.gif
outside looking in
4/17/02, 11:04pm
Some funny shit in here! :)
LMAO :D :D *Sniff my finger* :D :D
:D
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l
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hardtellin
4/17/02, 11:34pm
:D
http://www.garyrose.com/toons/1.gif
hardtellin
4/17/02, 11:37pm
sorry dude ;) - Justin
LoL,sorry if this breaks the rules,I just found this straight hilarious...:D
hardtellin
4/17/02, 11:40pm
http://www.garyrose.com/toons/3.gif
http://www.garyrose.com/toons/5.jpg
:D :D :D
hardtellin
4/17/02, 11:42pm
opops sorry justin.. those were a bit extreme..
I apologize:(.... I guess to many cold ones:)
outside looking in
4/17/02, 11:43pm
AAHHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hardtellin
4/17/02, 11:44pm
Hye that image was my favorite you arse hole...editer freak:D
outside looking in
4/17/02, 11:45pm
Glad I caught that last one before it was gone..... damn that was funny. I'm still laughing.
:D
hardtellin
4/17/02, 11:45pm
Bastard :D -Justin
Im sorry,Didf yopu edit this one yet???
cant remember...:D
hardtellin
4/17/02, 11:47pm
http://www.garyrose.com/toons/12.jpg
This is gross please edit..:D
.
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hardtellin
4/17/02, 11:49pm
lol :headbang: :headbang: :headbang:
dude, vaginal disacharge? nothing against it, but , taste son its a matter of taste, edit it of your own accord :D
Justin
Hey...Where is kitty @?????...:D
hardtellin
4/17/02, 11:51pm
This one is a classic:D
no.... - sbcanada ;)
Ok justin,Im sorry I promise to kep it clean for now on:)
Justintime
4/17/02, 11:53pm
:D
hardtellin
4/17/02, 11:54pm
http://www.garyrose.com/toons/19.jpg
Damn OL'MAN..:D
hardtellin
4/17/02, 11:57pm
bye bye ;) Justin
Here kitty kitty...:D
hardtellin
4/17/02, 11:58pm
Edited for not enough beer :headbang:
hardtellin
4/17/02, 11:58pm
Ok Ill take A time out:).. sorry justin..:D :headbang:
Justintime
4/18/02, 12:00am
its cool ;)
Sick hardtellin, sick :eek: :D
http://members.ozemail.com.au/~bink/Dude/siamfun_Summer.jpg
http://members.ozemail.com.au/~bink/Dude/tshirt07.jpg
http://members.ozemail.com.au/~bink/Dude/shoeshine.jpg
http://members.ozemail.com.au/~bink/Dude/toon00840.jpg
http://members.ozemail.com.au/~bink/Dude/worstjob.jpg
http://members.ozemail.com.au/~bink/Dude/Slide02.JPG
http://members.ozemail.com.au/~bink/Dude/Slide03.JPG
http://members.ozemail.com.au/~bink/Dude/Slide04.JPG
http://members.ozemail.com.au/~bink/Dude/Slide05.JPG
MitchSchaft
4/18/02, 12:05am
ahahahah! Damn this forum is slow tonight. I mean performance wise.
outside looking in
4/18/02, 12:11am
Yep... pretty slow.
I like the distracting women ones. :D
Yeah, for a moment there, OT Central went dead on me. Had to wait a few minutes and try again... :eek:
It was a tragic moment for me, as you could imagine :P
Professur
8/17/05, 03:27pm
Not much left, but what's there is killer.
BeardofPants
9/09/05, 05:05pm
You wouldn't wanna eat anything outta those waters, would you?
*doesn't know whether to laugh or cry at the joke
Gato_Solo
9/09/05, 09:34pm
It may have been intended as a joke, but it wasn't funny in the least.
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser.
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells,
"Holy Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion, too!"
Dancer
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, “Give the ballerina a drink!”
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?” Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, “Give the ballerina another drink!”
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, “I say, old chap, it’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?’”
“As far as I’m concerned”, the drunk replied, “any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!”
:lol2:
I can't see any of the old pics. :mope:
Anyways, here's a carpool.
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y240/frebrake/00000298.jpg
A young guy from Texas moves to Colorado and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but the young man got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
"One," replies the young man.
"Just one?" the boss exclaims. "Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job! How much was the sale for?"
"$112,237.64," the young man replied.
The boss says, "$112,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"
"First I sold him a small fish hook," the young man said. "Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a new bass boat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that new Ford pick-up. I asked him how long he was going to be out at the lake and, after he said 5 or 6 days I took him down to the RV department and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck."
Astounded, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat, a truck and a camper?"
"No," said the young man. "He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing!'"
Panoramic World
10/12/05, 01:13pm
LOL This thread is funny. Keep em comming :D
Uki Chick
10/14/05, 10:51am
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following
> >> >> >
> >> >> >
> >> >> >"Emma come first.
> >> >> >
> >> >> >Den I come.
> >> >> >
> >> >> >Den two asses come together.
> >> >> >
> >> >> >I come once-a-more.
> >> >> >
> >> >> >Two asses, they come together again.
> >> >> >
> >> >> >I come again and pee twice.
> >> >> >
> >> >> >Then I come one lasta time."
> >> >> >
> >> >> >"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady
indignantly.
> >> >> >
> >> >> >"In this country . . we don't speak aloud in public places
about our sex lives"
> >> >> >
> >> >> >"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
> >> >> >
> >> >> >"Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how
to spell "Mississippi'."
Panoramic World
10/14/05, 01:23pm
LOL thats hysterical!
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream And Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure That Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them.
And Woman went from size 6 to Size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil In which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained More weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose Those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and Cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming With nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the Starchy center into chips and deep-fried them.
And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and Still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent Double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good."
And Man went into Cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.
SouthernN'Proud
10/14/05, 05:14pm
deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
Dammit, now I'm hungry.
Uki Chick
10/17/05, 08:30pm
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he
would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was
"CRAZY" and give me a few days off.A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her" ...And where do you think you're going?"
(You're gonna love this.....)
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
Uki Chick
10/17/05, 08:31pm
A "Drop-Dead" gorgeous young Redhead goes into the doctor's office.
She tells the Receptionist that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
The Receptionist sensing the urgency of a quick diagnosis here stops what she is doing and goes to see the Dr. at once.
The Dr. immediately comes out and escorts the Redhead into one of his examination rooms.
He asked her what's wrong and she tells him that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible!" says the Dr!
"Show me", he demands.
The Redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams in agony!
Then, she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony!
She pushes on her knee-cap and screams again!
Likewise when she pushes on her ankle and foot.
Screams permeate the office on every place that she touches.
The Dr. grabs her wrist and stops her.
He then says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says.
"Your finger is broken."
Uki Chick
10/17/05, 08:34pm
Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be a Shakespearean play.
The first little boy was to say, "My fair maiden.... I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope."
The second little boy was to reply by saying, "Hark!, a pistol shot."
Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups. The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up. The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified.
They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin.
The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words.....
"My fair maiden.... I have come to kiss your snatch! And fill your hole with soap."
The second boy screams out....."Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, this is bull shit... I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway...
The audience left howling
Uki Chick
10/26/05, 03:06pm
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a
parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't
have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud,
"Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this
parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way.
I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually
understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I
happen to be a highly intelligent
thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer
this -- how do you hang onto your perch
without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very
embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap
my weenie around this wooden bar like a
little hook. You can't see it because of my
feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can
understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and
English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any
topic: politics, religion, sports, physics,
philosophy. I'm especially good at
ornithology. You really ought to buy me.
I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $20000 price tag.
"Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm
defective, so the truth is, nobody wants
me cause I don't have any feet. You can
probably get me for $20; just make the
guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with
the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's
interesting, he's a great pal, he
understands everything, he sympathizes,
and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work
and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and
motions him over with one wing. "I don't
know if I should tell you this or not, but
it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail
today, your wife greeted him at the door
in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously.
"THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the
house and lifted up her nightie and began
petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the
nightie! , got down on his knees and began
to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN
WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and
fell off my perch!"
MrBishop
10/26/05, 04:34pm
:rofl: Cripes Nat!!
Uki Chick
10/26/05, 05:00pm
:rofl: Cripes Nat!!
A muslim girl here at the office didn't understand it because she didn't know what hard-on meant. Try explaining that with a straight face. :lol2:
AllEars'
10/27/05, 02:42pm
Don't Mess with little girls!!
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-faced youngster was doing, he asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied little Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor laughed and said condescendingly, "That's a really big hole for a Goldfish, isn't it?"
Little Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
"That's because he's inside your damn cat."
Panoramic World
10/27/05, 03:42pm
http://www.jonathanprisant.com/albums/funnyStuff1/04_29youngpullover_1_001.jpg
http://www.cindychu.com/~derrick/images/funny/funny020.jpg
Uki Chick
11/10/05, 10:11am
>>A Professor was giving a lecture on " Involuntary Muscular
>>Contractions " to his first year medical students.
>>Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the
>>Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
>>He pointed to a young women in the front and said
>>"Do you know what your ass hole is doing while your having an
>>orgasm?"
>>She replied, " He's probably down at the bar with his friends"
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